Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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