We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Randomize
