My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
