We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
