I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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