Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
