for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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