Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
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