I swear she didn't look like that last week.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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