She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
