I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize