Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
