my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
