I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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