He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
