please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
