I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
