Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
