well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
