Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
