All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
