rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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