I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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