It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
