At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
