Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Also, beer. Big fan.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
