Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
