Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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