Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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