When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize