Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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