A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize