M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I have fence marks all over my body
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
