Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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