i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
