walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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