dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
