come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
