It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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