You just made me feel so damn special
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
