he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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