just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize