why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Still dying that you shit outside
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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