someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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