I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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