You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
