i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
