Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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