There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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