Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
