After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
