We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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