awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
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