well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
