What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
