this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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