So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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