I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
