My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
