Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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