I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
