Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
