Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize