I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize