Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I can text with my tongue
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Did I show you my penis last night?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I believe in your delicious
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
