I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize