I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Boobs speak an international language.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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