I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
