you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
