you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize