I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
