well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
